Entering and Exiting from 0

I’ve been in hiding from poems but ferociously writing and reading older language. Ferociously fighting and curating certain lies to live. The curation was involuntary, the will to live them is not. What do we call it when others force you into their lies? Collaboration under duress?

There is no use making up for years of absence, not from a blog, not from a love, not from a friend, not from the gone.

In the same way that sleep once lost, cannot be made up for. Did you know this? Sleep 4 hours one night and then 11 the next. Nothing is restored to the body, nor consciousness.

Knocking on wood everywhere as I told the acupuncturist, the therapist, the masseuse, the specialists, “I never have trouble sleeping”. If rest is a gift then why isn’t death more appealing? Admittedly I have been so distracted by living that my trust companion Death Anxiety has become latent.

What I will tell you about are the unannounced guests in my life. Just in the past two weeks. Two separate occasions. Two silver bobbed elderly Indian women. One arrived in a dosa eating contest I randomly attended (but did not compete in, one day!). She sat eloquent, content, her life split between Delih & New York. The other I sat next to on impulse, in a beautiful Qawwali concert. 6 weeks in New York, 6 weeks in Calcutta. She told me about rhythmic entrainment. That there is no reason to grieve. You are a part of your mother so she is naturally always with you. I told her I understand all of this theoretically, but spiritually there has been a rupture that I am still working on mending. Her complete submission and acceptance to divine will was such a peaceful condition to witness. Detachment, deference, shanti. But isn’t that easy with so much freedom?

Sign me up for a silver age of bi-national wandering. Sari markets then Central Park then a picnic with children of children of children.

Though Nikki is outlived by all of this I know she was content with her Sydney.

A city grows on you, then into you. In the end she submitted to divine will. Her heart went peacefully.